Disassociative Amnesia

learned a new term today, still reading about it, and then i remember all the parts i forgot. well i dont actually. but now i have a term for not remembering long periods of time, or how i come to the new month or year without forming a long term memory of the month or year prior. im a goldfish. damn.

happy valentines day btw
for my own gift to myself im cleaning the house so i can have a nice time rolling on the dust mite free floor. was just reading a study on atopic dermatitis and it spoke of dust mites from dogs. gross. and i thought of that night i went to use the washroom and didnt wear my slippers and when i got back into bed i thought i felt my feet itchy and got so grossed out i sprayed them with alcohol then they didnt itch anymore and i realized ive only mopped the floor twice and not one of those times was with borax nor bleach blech. so im wiping surfaces today, reducing the dust that harbors mites and bacteria, cleaning the air at source. or something. im taking my lunch break and there are 5 minutes left before i get back to the grind of whirlwinding around in circles, wiping, and picking things up and putting them somewhere else. happy valentines day to me. im looking forward to the cleared mind state because i havent finished the coat due to zipper attachment anxiety.

oh em gee

wtf is this "life"


While you wait for the others to make it all worthwhile
All your useless pretensions are weighing on my time
You could beg for forgiveness as long as you like
Or just wait out the evening
You’ll only bleed me dry
Yes you’ll only bleed me dry

So I’ll ask you kindly to make your way
And what was left
A perfect cleft
We all fall through

While you wait on the answers that I’ll pretend to find
Keeping up with the motions still occupies our time
You could hope for some substance as long as you like
Or just wait out the evening
And always ask me why
Yes you’ll only bleed me dry

So I’ll ask you kindly to make your way
And what was left
A perfect cleft
We all fall through
And all we want
And what was left


Christopher Michael Taylor / Edward Droste
------

its amazing how many wonderful surprises one can sustain along side heart wrenching disappointment

ive written a couple of poems:

.:

Sometimes I think of you
in waves and abrupt jolts

Patterns emerge
inconsistent from previous understanding

Your crystal aura,
that intrinsic quality.
Rare and a delight to encounter

Like after giving up the search for water, parched,
you come across a lagoon, a bubbling brooke,
a cenote, a pond, lake, waterfall...

The clarity of difference,
so vast
unapproachable
acceptable
respectable

Like the apple tree
every seed gives birth to a new form.


.:

then, in response:

.:

Nicole, I see you suffering.

Why make pains of something so beautiful?

Keep (it) inside and tend to (the) flame quietly.
(Your outer self will thank you)

Since it does not matter which way to go
Any step is the right direction

Keeping in mind that life is for living
And life
Why choose death?

Certainly the clamour and hasty anxiety
Unsure footing and total lack of nourishment
Will lead to an early demise.

Are there enough cliches to scorn you
into submission?

You wear your heart on your sleeve.

You're smarter than you look.


.:

Attachment Styles....

i figured out whats wrong with me!
complex post traumatic stress disorder
with a preoccupied attachment style. my chart is off the hook on fear/anxiety in regards to my mother. duh.... but luckily, i have an extremely secure attachment style to my father and in turn translates to an excellent attachment style with friends... but my poor romantic partners suffer my preoccupied anxiety! like, omgz lol wtf and am i dreaming or did i find out whats wrong with me for real ?

this wonderful resource tells about attachment styles and also has tests! i love tests. you can download the test as a document and keep it. no tracking shite on this site it is totally LEGIT
http://internal.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm



Aliveness,
exploration
Aliveness,
energy
Are you the right man for me?
Are you safe? Are you my friend?
Are you the right man for me?
Are you safe? Are you my friend?

Aliveness,
exploration
Fulfillment,
creativity

Are you the right man for me?
Are you safe? Are you my friend?
Or are you toxic for me?
Will you betray my confidence?

Are you the right man for me?
Are you safe? Are you my friend?
Or are you toxic for me?
Will you betray my confidence?

Naming things is empowering
I balance,
walk and co-or-din-ate myself alone

Aliveness,
energy

Healthy dependence
And healthy independence
And healthy assurances

This love's a nameless dream
And healthy boundaries
And how long would you miss me

-

written by
FRASER, ELIZABETH/GUTHRIE, ROBIN/RAYMONDE, SIMON
a day or so ago i asked the i ching something. it gave me hexagram 50.4> 44 re: inquiring if someone has a personality disorder> which in turn essentially reflects my self...anyway, i got this hex before. it is the same hexagram, different changing line. the only other labeled hexagram post i make on my blog. that post i made in 2008, that same thread i read over 2 years ago- applies/parallels so hard core right now it is uncanny. i am stunned at the "hello" of synchronicity.

Alkaline Diet

id like to take this moment in time to share my experience of eating alkaline forming foods and the effect it has on clearing my sinuses. ikr gross. but seriously.

ok so i have horrible allergies and sinus problems. i have sleep apnea and snore and get really congested and am always sniffly and if i get a cold or cough that i dont treat immediately itll turn into bronchitis, which has in the past, turned to pneumonia!! i get fungal skin allergies and once went into anaphylactic shock from eating raw-ish walnuts. i loved walnuts!

but somehow i thought i had an unbalanced ph and needed to alkaline my diet. so i went on a fast and ate only alkaline forming foods. well mostly only. for about a month. and it helped me lose weight and save hella money and it cleared up my sinuses and general malady regarding allergens affecting me so much that they linger and cause further problems.

yes.

so all was good till christmas time. the feast. all that white flour and beef and sugar. then i kind of got lazy and was eating a lot of naan again (its sooo yummy) and did many other things that i am certain raised the acidity of my body.  my sinus got totally clogged again and i was kind of bummed. i started up eating mostly only alkaline forming foods building up to last night i ate:
2 roasted yams (oven 1.5 hours at 350) -mashed with butter, sea salt and pepper
with
1 small onion cooked in butter and pepper- with one cup frozen green peas.
plus drinking apple cider vinegar water again (which i stopped doing for some reason)
and with that, just today got fully back on track and my sinuses cleared up again, like fully.

its so amazing. im pretty stoked.

so this is the list of foods ive been using. i printed out the whole thing and its just by the kitchen at all times :)

http://www.rense.com/1.mpicons/acidalka.htm

this is about our bodys' ph level
http://altered-states.net/barry/update178/index.htm

cheers to good health!

gosh the buy the yard fair turned out great even though it rained >< !! i didnt take pics.. ugh...though i had my phone.... my table was basically a pile of used baggies of everything i cleared up :D yeah! was really cool. met a girl whos going to manila too and when we facebooked it was like uh... duh we have common friends. so i think thatll be cool.. was sposed to cut the fabric before i go but it looks like thats not going to happen... ok hey i brought a bunch of stuff to virgin marys on friday!! yes. some new stuff some favorites... no time for reading right now :c so i havent read anything since the kite runner. i saw the film too, did i blog about that. damn! i thought it was good. it was filmed in china?? what the crap. guess it wouldve been hard to film on site..... the other day i say a couple iranian films which kind of blew me away too.. not really like reading and watching but like my gosh i had no idea..... how beautiful and intense and differet and the same... abbas kirostamis 10, was hype.... the wind will carry us was good too nice location so nice. long though and i thought there would be more comedy? but the landscape and the village was amazing. i loved the guest house. no time to watch the rest either... so.. making lots of stuff and have been in the past days epoxying cameos into settings. yay. so nice. for shops. for my online shop too... which will be run by me but shipped by angela (beadworksclasses) once a week... so cool... ok so i guess i should stop slacking off and get to work making stuff. gah! so hard. there is a lot going on. i get the king of cups card a lot. what the heck is that supposed to mean. groanhands. had a great talk with sandra the other day... that girl is hype. she met me at a random fair i was doing somewhere. oh yea the latinfest.... a long time ago it seems. so proud of her. been going nuts on the i ching the past days. just casting and casting reading all the hexigrams and getting a sense of it and it. is. hype. i like. its just like everything else that gets lost in translation though..universal laws apply... been trying to learn what you see is what you get, but i aint gettin it that easily. hmm.. i keep forgetting im 29. damn im 30 next year and i gotta get on it. but what i need to focus on is my right now and that is how i get to the future. duh. so simple and so frikkin hard to grasp. gee. (slaps self) hey! that hurt, oh sorry i didnt mean it. this is a hella hype blog. the abysmal.

frik i havent updated my shop blog. gonna do that in the pilipinas. when i get there, the next mornin everyones goin to bora so im gonna be by myself for a few days! i kind of like that idea... settle into myself somehow.. gonna be seeing my uncle and moms side this time...

sandra and i were talking about this thing.. ok.. love. we were saying how lucky we are to be in something so divine. so divune. we were talking about love and all its gooyness and mushy squishydoodleness and it made me later think of that love, that love that you resonate with throughout space and time that makes you just want to burst into tears and laughter all at once the devotion that ebbs and flows with complete trust. as if written in our very cells. yes that kind of love.
well, its either that divune love or some astral shit. dayum.. theres that king of cups again... maybe im the one astral traveling. once when i was a kid my dad was trying to teach me how to whistle into my own cupped hands... i couldnt ever get it right and one night i had a dream and i was whistling with ease in my dream... and i woke right up coz i knew i was dreaming and i cupped my hands and the first blow made the loudest clearest whistle i had ever heard and i was so stoke d and just kept whistling with my cupped hands right out of dreamland.. it was a pretty cool experience an only enforced the reality in me that dreams do come true. i guess i just have to go to sleep to dream..feels like i havent dreamt in years.........

ok lame. no pics. i have to get back to work.. or sleeeeeeppppp.... heres a song for ya

ok and two more.
its a classic. i mean, come on! the going through the bushes shot. killer....

its cut at the end (and really bad video!! gahahaha the promo version is much better but this one is so corny i had to show you my god.)

here are the gorgeous lyrics:
shake the disease

I'm not going down on my knees
Begging you to adore me
Can't you see it's misery
And torture for me
When I'm misunderstood
Try as hard as you can
I've tried as hard as I could
To make you see
How important it is for me

Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue
In situations like these

Some people have to be
Permanently together
Lovers devoted
To each other forever
Now I've got things to do
And I've said before
That I know you have too
When I'm not there
In spirit I'll be there

ok edit: i found this song. yes!! frik. this song!!!!!! gaaahhhhhhhh


Don't fade away, my brown eyed girl.
Come walk with me, I'll fill your heart with joy.
And we'll dance through our isolation.
Seeking solace in the wisdom we bestow.
Turning thoughts of the here and ever after, consuming fears in our fiery halos.
Say what you mean, mean what you say.
I've heard that innocence, has led us all astray.
But don't let them make you, and break you.
The world is filled with their broken empty dreams.
Silence is their only virtue, locked away inside their silentscreams

But for now, let us dance away, this starry night, feel the glow of fiery stars, and with the dawn, our sun will rise.
Bringing the symphony of bird cries.
Don't bring me down now, let me stay here for a while.
You know life's too short, let me bathe here in your smile.
I'm transcending, the fall from the garden.
Good-night.