finding that man i scream

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I want to get excited about life again, but I don’t know how to do it. I wish I could find a companion that was more exciting then I am willing to bring somebody like me around with them on their adventures. I have some side adventures too, but I’m tired of leading myself into some kind of havoc id prefer to blame somebody else these days. 

so I haven’t seen yet the guy from The Bus that I saw that one day last year. I can only dream of having a boyfriend that looks like that: well put together, and responsible like. there was something really moving about his countenance that i simply wont forget possible in a man, so nothing less will do now and thats the deal breaker. 

some days pass without a single thing happening and those days blur into one long time period of fugue. i remember how little i remember and those days passed with me in a stunned silence. i dont know how to get over myself. i suppose a bike ride would do. this is where i want that man on the bus to come in, to entice me to come visit him on my bike. i pretend he lives close by so its easier for my feeble and weak energies to accomplish something that wonderful creature conjured. i likely would be up for most anything he uttered. totally crushing hard on that total stranger that probably thinks hes too old for me and that i look masculine. a man dressed like that encompasses everything gentlemanly and only a feminine creature will do. unfortunately for me bruises and scars in tow the heart on my dirty sleeve will not suffice. but despite these tarnished armour there lays a wild and beautiful scintillation. my soul. he might look deeply into my faded pants and find a beautiful gown, i dunno. hope hes creative enough and falls in love with me regardless. if he ever finds me i will scream so loud everyone will know, ah yes, nicole must have found her man.

mr bet casino scam

​so you know how i started online gambling, microgaming its called with the amounts i bet, anyway i just had this horrible experience with the mr bet casino. i used their app, its called breakout something breakout ball or something like that. you can find these casinos by searching for plinko. anyway i won like $240 and withdrew it but they only sent me $37 and literally proceeded to steal the rest of it by pretending it was all bonus money and that their withdrawal failed they said. so i withdrew the available $77 because the rest of it was “bonus money” because i deposited $25 with a 75% bonus. Apparently they took my win and said it wasnt withdrawable anymore, that it was now “bonus money” and that $77 was all I could withdraw. Just incredible. They are from Cyprus and let me just get the link and contact info because this place is a

legitimate SCAM

i was so fucking disappointed and sad and felt really cheated and wronged but they don't care they have a casino win wheeee go the mr bet employees wheeee goes mr bet! 

costume jewelry blogpost on the way

 im going to try hadder to put up some stuff edit my blog layout. i need the laptop. someone hacked it and now i need to reset it again. there wasnt any info in it anyway. but still. it got hacked same time my two apple phones were hacked in feb. 

ok so i need to fix the conputer so i can edit the blog layout and retouch photos on the larger screen. its been months and months and months and the computer has been neglected abandoned by me because someone else fucked with it i got depressed wait ill stop now

my new vape is with the super i got mail the other day i am waiting fir him to give it to me its been a couple days already and im getting annoyed 

ok i do have some pics on my phone still of the stuff i put up in big cartel remember that haha ill just put the stuff up on my blog with hella tags and labeled photos. 

here is some of the gift items i made

gold fill chains and zirconia stones there is even a real raw diamond but im afraid its so miniscule one can barely see it even enlarged (on the heart) 

ive been avoiding continuing my old life but cant find anything new so ill just pick up around where i left off and go from there

got loads of laundry to do and some tidying up that i hate to have to do…. if i could just sit and do nothing id do that haha trauma sucks getting over my brain doesnt work properly the flow is ruined and my self esteem has been shattered by jealous men with low i.q. and their violence. we will see how i float but i never see how they die. sucks to be me i swear to god.

so there are some of the pendants and chains i have available im just going to get the computer up and running so i can add a paypal button to these pictures. if you like any send me an email or text or comment on this post and i can send you a PayPal invoice with worldwide shipping via canada post. 

the filipino mail order MAiD

​i put this description down of the filipino male in canada his mannerisms and inner reasoning and i cant stop laughing about how accurate it was. 

it went like this:

you know how the filipino guy a lot of times when arriving somewhere to meet. you looks kinda guilty sometimes and acts shady and short is because he just came from doing a bahala na and frenched tf out. now i didnt say it like that but its on my twitter and i cant remember per vatim but it went something like that. 

now i cant even remember if i put it down on twitter or just said it aloud to myself which i do all the time and miss writing these gems down…

tweet tweet goes nicole haha 

there are times long passages of thought on the social groups and the characters within them, their arcs in relation to mine, and how we intermingle in these developed or sometimes loosely associated circles of unique individuals and circumstances. Most times its easy to say it aloud but I only remember by hearing it and miss the inner thought which was far more complex and dramatic haha. Indeed life is tricky to navigate and navigate left handed did I try. Most days I would have enough problems with a pair of scissors alone but these days its just flexing statistics on a casino crash game or slotting on beatduel. Actually thats not a bad idea. They could charge like five cents a song and every new song comes out like .50 then drops a week or month later but plays in the battles im gonna email them like for newbs they got to pay for their collection or weekly access or ads per song…. haha i hate ads there is no policing in the other categories and those apps that target ad me because of my online spending run illegal ads in different categories….like casual app or game app but its a casino app w payment processing and no canadian certified verification method for minors and people in other countries using vpns where its illegal in their country or area to make bets period. like my region now in toronto somehow with my combination of wifi and cellular connection my geophysical location somehow doesnt matter and i become in the jurisdiction of delaware i think it is because of how hamilton spans across the lake on the east side its really beyond my full comprehension plus i have to router or port through manchester and pennsylvania which still fails my understanding of province state lakes locations places lands and cities throughout time. what does it even mean? i already forgot but it went something like i figured it out through understanding that i was getting baited by rogers to enter my password for my wifi in a public address in order to change it and i refused because why and also wtf am i 14 years old i didnt want the rogers guys to use my wifi but someone did anyway that time anyway i had to enter it somewhere so i checked their security certificates and they were on those platforms sure enough two separate certificates one for pennsylvania and one for manchester and i looked them up on the map and found britain and england and shit and i was like wtf these look like the cordilleras but leveled on the tops where the cities and towns are. and then the maps i took hundreds of screenshots of them i really should post them up they are sludge to go through without a single note on any of them but i took the screenshot of the satellite image i found and out together by search only god knows if these places are linked geophysically because some of these screenshots are out of this world hahaahah scale my dear, scale…. anyway i am hungry and will make food now…. i have brocoli and rice and peanut butter because i bought this huge ginisang bagoong thats great out of bottle who would forgive me if i started cooking with bagoong here no one no doubt. hmm neighbour just came to grab weed what a bother haha oh well i guess no one else would know if i was alive or dead now wouldnt they yes indeed that no one would surely miss my rambling.

i looked at everyone, all the time

​everywhere i go im always looking at everyone thinking if only i can see one more face, it might be his.

memes

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viral things to go on trend 24/7 fleeking the fads and bitcoining the COVIDs:

1. salvation stories out of depravity

2. diets 

3. fiats

4. nursery and school yard rhymes 

5. maps 

6. languages

7. predictability models

10. metals

11. electricity

12. if you journeyed in a vessel, what would you be living in? a dwelling? a home? an apartment? probably apartment right? anyway those things maybe they were called houses as my number 12 in this list of ​viral things to go on trend 24/7 fleeking the fads and bitcoining the COVIDs. Personally I think we need a new word for the physical structure apartment but an older term that may not LODGING nope i mean we need a new common term describing the physical structure of the apartment you live in that is social housing but in medieval times that may or may not have already morphed into a new word. Beyond renting or living, the name of the type of building. Co-op building but not building. Do you know this term? A new term for chassis that is more specific pointedly to the formation of a social class of renters that do not pay rent to a single landlord but rather to a common pool of resource for future developments. What is this structure called? I dont think theres a word Im looking for it. It will define our middle class here in Canada.