Disassociative Amnesia

learned a new term today, still reading about it, and then i remember all the parts i forgot. well i dont actually. but now i have a term for not remembering long periods of time, or how i come to the new month or year without forming a long term memory of the month or year prior. im a goldfish. damn.

happy valentines day btw
for my own gift to myself im cleaning the house so i can have a nice time rolling on the dust mite free floor. was just reading a study on atopic dermatitis and it spoke of dust mites from dogs. gross. and i thought of that night i went to use the washroom and didnt wear my slippers and when i got back into bed i thought i felt my feet itchy and got so grossed out i sprayed them with alcohol then they didnt itch anymore and i realized ive only mopped the floor twice and not one of those times was with borax nor bleach blech. so im wiping surfaces today, reducing the dust that harbors mites and bacteria, cleaning the air at source. or something. im taking my lunch break and there are 5 minutes left before i get back to the grind of whirlwinding around in circles, wiping, and picking things up and putting them somewhere else. happy valentines day to me. im looking forward to the cleared mind state because i havent finished the coat due to zipper attachment anxiety.

oh em gee

wtf is this "life"


While you wait for the others to make it all worthwhile
All your useless pretensions are weighing on my time
You could beg for forgiveness as long as you like
Or just wait out the evening
You’ll only bleed me dry
Yes you’ll only bleed me dry

So I’ll ask you kindly to make your way
And what was left
A perfect cleft
We all fall through

While you wait on the answers that I’ll pretend to find
Keeping up with the motions still occupies our time
You could hope for some substance as long as you like
Or just wait out the evening
And always ask me why
Yes you’ll only bleed me dry

So I’ll ask you kindly to make your way
And what was left
A perfect cleft
We all fall through
And all we want
And what was left


Christopher Michael Taylor / Edward Droste
------

its amazing how many wonderful surprises one can sustain along side heart wrenching disappointment

ive written a couple of poems:

.:

Sometimes I think of you
in waves and abrupt jolts

Patterns emerge
inconsistent from previous understanding

Your crystal aura,
that intrinsic quality.
Rare and a delight to encounter

Like after giving up the search for water, parched,
you come across a lagoon, a bubbling brooke,
a cenote, a pond, lake, waterfall...

The clarity of difference,
so vast
unapproachable
acceptable
respectable

Like the apple tree
every seed gives birth to a new form.


.:

then, in response:

.:

Nicole, I see you suffering.

Why make pains of something so beautiful?

Keep (it) inside and tend to (the) flame quietly.
(Your outer self will thank you)

Since it does not matter which way to go
Any step is the right direction

Keeping in mind that life is for living
And life
Why choose death?

Certainly the clamour and hasty anxiety
Unsure footing and total lack of nourishment
Will lead to an early demise.

Are there enough cliches to scorn you
into submission?

You wear your heart on your sleeve.

You're smarter than you look.


.:

Attachment Styles....

i figured out whats wrong with me!
complex post traumatic stress disorder
with a preoccupied attachment style. my chart is off the hook on fear/anxiety in regards to my mother. duh.... but luckily, i have an extremely secure attachment style to my father and in turn translates to an excellent attachment style with friends... but my poor romantic partners suffer my preoccupied anxiety! like, omgz lol wtf and am i dreaming or did i find out whats wrong with me for real ?

this wonderful resource tells about attachment styles and also has tests! i love tests. you can download the test as a document and keep it. no tracking shite on this site it is totally LEGIT
http://internal.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm



Aliveness,
exploration
Aliveness,
energy
Are you the right man for me?
Are you safe? Are you my friend?
Are you the right man for me?
Are you safe? Are you my friend?

Aliveness,
exploration
Fulfillment,
creativity

Are you the right man for me?
Are you safe? Are you my friend?
Or are you toxic for me?
Will you betray my confidence?

Are you the right man for me?
Are you safe? Are you my friend?
Or are you toxic for me?
Will you betray my confidence?

Naming things is empowering
I balance,
walk and co-or-din-ate myself alone

Aliveness,
energy

Healthy dependence
And healthy independence
And healthy assurances

This love's a nameless dream
And healthy boundaries
And how long would you miss me

-

written by
FRASER, ELIZABETH/GUTHRIE, ROBIN/RAYMONDE, SIMON
a day or so ago i asked the i ching something. it gave me hexagram 50.4> 44 re: inquiring if someone has a personality disorder> which in turn essentially reflects my self...anyway, i got this hex before. it is the same hexagram, different changing line. the only other labeled hexagram post i make on my blog. that post i made in 2008, that same thread i read over 2 years ago- applies/parallels so hard core right now it is uncanny. i am stunned at the "hello" of synchronicity.

What else is pink?

and what about this song. Martin Gores 'Compulsion'? Damn good song. Ive rediscovered it-- remember listing to it like crazy in '94/'95. when it first came out i was too young.... but now gah. what i actually remember is an acoustic version playing off a record. but this one was the only version i could find and its got lyrics in a non cheese way :D


edit: january 10, 2012!!!!


this is the original that i used to listen to with a friend back in manila...or at least i think it might be... or its the original of the song. oh yes. its the original but the track i remember was an acoustic martin gore.