Thursday, May 07, 2020

today i will try to remake the gardenia perfume #1 and #2. #2 is the one that smells like magnolia because i added michelia alba leaf. but according to another vendor the same name oil is the flower absolute. so im confused. i cant believe its the flower cos its super affordable. but i also found a vendor selling huge vats of oils in the 5 kg range selling these absolutes and sandalwoods for 50-70 for 50 ml. so im confused as to whats fake. retail, obviously. i would know. sometimes i used to buy the most amazing well made thing for less than a dollar, a component of jewelry making, the raw material, so valuable and useless on its own,  found in a dusty ebay shop, then i make the necklace and sell it for $90 and then that compenent wasnt so cheap after all.
owen just asked me if i wanted a foot massage... while im doing that. hes sweet. this is why i hate him so much. we just fought. lol / not lol. and yes i would love a foot massage.

an hour later... woops spoke too soon! i made french toast for owen and i and told him it was ready so of course he ignores me and tells me he is "busy" drawing (scribbling. his drawings are sketches and he does not keep them)  so i offer it again and he refuses and puts it beside him and i of course am again, insulted by his bravado. constantly acting tough but never when i need him to defend me against a man attacking me. ... because he is the man attacking me. anyway long story short he gets mad that i tell him i dont want to feed him anymore and take the plate back and he fights me so fucking hard and loses because he scrambles and gets *my* phone and CALLS THE POLICE because i didnt want to feed him anymore after he disrespects me with his acting the part of being a strong man who is "busy" so again my mood is ruined and again i wish i never met him, i wish his friends and his family would take him back like i pleaded. but no. of course, its easier for them to dump him off with me. an immigrant woman from the 3rd world recovering from lifelong abuse and recent targeted evictions from aggressive gang landlords. nice. apparently i deserve being made an abused unpaid caregiver for an autistic man who is actually manipulative and sociopathic. match made in heaven apparently. based on how people treat and have treated me, im the worst person in the entire universe! i deserve insults by retards and the police. for wanting to share a hot breakfast i prepared. apparently i deserve daily put downs and bickering insults and the police. the fucking police for taking back an unwanted french toast. for simply existing as the woman i am.

i wish someone i knew from before would just like call me up or come pick me up and get me away from these men. they come after one after another in rapid succession. theyre all abusive and they all seem like actors playing a part to abuse me. i dont know how to make them stop or go away.

aaaand now its 1 pm the police left about 30 mins ago i missed a delivery and havent gotten anything done. meanwhile owen is scribbling and acting like as if he is in deep thought, inspecting some martial arts hardcover while sketching, facing my work table. so if i sit down on my work table, owen is literally watching over me while acting as if he did nothing wrong.

i just want to have a safe place to live and creative and intelligent people around me. its too much to ask, i know. that said i would settle for a room and no guy sticking on me telling me he loves me while performing unloving actions.im just feeling kind of sick now and very uncomfortable. i need to come up with an exit plan.. . . .

but first, now that its 3 p.m. and owen made sure i did not get my medication all day after abusing me, i have to go to the dispensary.
oh but also i have to go to the storage and find a lightswitch plate cover i sold on etsy. my sales covered my unpaid fees so i get $4.26 for this sale. plus going to storage. and then shipping it.  its my fault for wanting to keep my business active while a gang of men come at me one at a time trying to destroy everything ive built up for myself.

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thanks for the comment let me get back to you in sec because i might not know how to read your comment if its on an older post