hospital again

 i’m having some mental breakdown issues regarding physical symptoms that I’ve had for sometimes for a long time sometimes for short time just recently occurred and happened before those kind of symptoms and I think I’ve come up with a diagnosis. I think I have parasitic mites inside of my sinus and I think I have a mucosal abnormality in my gut, plus all the viruses in parasites combined have created this disgusting creature and that it would be me but unbeknownst to me obviously because I have my own brain and these might have their own brains and now everybody is working against each other trying to murder each other. I’m very confused, I’m just trying to get myself together to go to the hospital. I have to pack a small bag. I have to figure out what to do with the plumber tomorrow I have to make sure that I don’t die from getting eaten alive by parasites that may or may not be inside or outside of my body right now  or recently I’m not sure 

my entire life nobody thought I was sick my entire life I knew there was something wrong with me I didn’t know what it was the entire entire time Nobody said anything the entire time everybody knew I was sick the entire time. Nobody told me I was sick but i knew there was something seriously wrong with me. i honestly cant stand the stupid speech to text holy bad punctuation how embarrassing;) 

I wish I had somebody to go with me, but I think scabies might be contagious even if it could be inside of my sinus, which is absolutely horrible. I think patrice has been here and I think he slept on my bed and I think his psoriasis isn’t psoriasis. I think it’s scabies. I think I’m gonna throw up and die. I don’t think that I can get any more grossed out but here I am the next day discovering something even worse. Do you think the doctors will listen to me this time the entire time I was sick I kept going to the doctors and walk-in clinics. I kept asking authority health authority what is wrong with me and none of them said a damn thing they all just pretended I was well or thought I was well and denied everything that I said just didn’t listen and didn’t didn’t believe me didn’t think I was qualified thought I was talking out of my ass whatever the reason if I find out all of my suspicions are correct when I go to the hospital what I do should I start stabbing people? i can recall my walk in family doctor dr kapoor of royal medical centre on soadina telling me i was fine and there was nothing wrong with me and that my issues were with hygiene. i remember the dentist in etobicoke the water laser dentist getting grossed out at me peak sick i couldnt smell anything and had sleep apnea the dentist made sure i knew he was grossed out but never looked down my throat or inside my mouth really and he asked me if i could smell this (scraped plaque) and i didnt smell anything because i couldnt smell anything at the time and i just remember feeling so grossed out and horrible and humiliated and hurt that again another doctor had nothing useful to say or diagnose or recommend i do. just what i went through my whole life a sense of humiliation rejection and disgust and fake friendly people smiling. im like literally doused in gross and could not get a single person doctor or friend to believe what i understood and help me get diagnosed and treated by medical professionals specializing in my symptoms and ailments. i could mill these two useless doctors i mentioned but mostly i just feel a numb void when it comes to interpersonal relationships of the oast. when i think about my past and how people made me feel while they fake friended me makes me so sick to my stomach and im worse off because of it but all those people conspiring against me and my betterment what an astounding amount and for so very long my entire life, they wouldnt have it any other way. to have someone nice be dying in front of you and you watch her decay as the years pass and you talk shit about her all the time and fake smile fake friend her to her face … i dont … i hate… my past lives and those anxious feelings and all the times i got sick and was ignored or just not helped by anyone because ive been on my own since 2002 its just… so crushing and hurtful and i just want the ability to squeeze brains with the powers of my mind. to make up for all the mean shit i had to endure for so fucking long.