ascribing someone your ideas of them does not mean that person is who you think they are

 i dont feel good today, beside myself and confused about how i feel and why. it makes no sense to feel weird when im not doing anything against myself, nothing against my kindness towards my lack of abilities in regards to housework and life administration. i am understanding and disciplined but the anxious feelings i have i believe are coming from fixations of others on my expressions and the thoughts they carry regarding my identity that they formed by spying on my social media and online personas. i have feelings of humiliation, of feeling humiliated but i havent done anything much today aside from feel bothered. i have feelings of negativity and hatred which i cannot place or identify where they come from. i believe these are wrong beliefs held about me transmitted to me by the others malicious fixations. is this true or is this schizophrenias ugly head. its not the non human environment again is it? i have these horrible feelings of what it felt like growing up being isolated and mocked behind my back and my medical symptoms constantly ignored yet discussed with hatred by everyone who pretended to be my friend. because of this fact i understand that i am much more sensitive than anyone i have met and my reads on people usually ring true even if i dont know them personally. on the other hand i know i come across as guilty seeming but i believe it is because i do actually feel guilty that i was targeted for hatred  by people i eventually realized after a lifetime of wondering why they made me feel that way were a tually total garbage weak sauce. i have to cheer myself up and try not to feel so bad. i want to never share anything online again since it is used against me more than i get a single nod or acknowledgement of consumption (of content) but being isolated my entire life i have gotten used to sharing online in hopes it reaches another person like me. i must learn to isolate myself in a way where i dont feel like my generous descriptions of my miserable life are used to make fun of me. i am already poking fun at the scenarios and ideas but to continuously feel like a group of haters are wildly laughing with derision at the misinterpreted written word or spied lifestyle screams unhealthy. not only do i think its schizophrenia or something like that i feel its dangerous for me to keep talking to no one in particular as if they were the only person i write to. so i will try and adjust my output. i want to be able to read my blog when im very old without wincing so much. likely harder than it looks. i hate how i feel too that if someone reads what i write and takes wealth from it and leaves me out of knowing they were even ever there in my realm to begin with, that that person is drawing my energy and intentions away from me, in effect stealing it, my life, from me. ill forget what i wrote because no one else read it to my knowledge. i dont have another mind to pit against and play with the idea that i put forth. my ideas are all wasted. every single one stolen by people who dont care about me, how i feel about how they isolate me. i have huge hatred for these feelings and i always feel like its a giant audience all against me waiting for me to fail so they can laugh at me more without including me . i want to feel loved and i deserve honesty these are truths that have been denied to me my entire life.. i have no one who knows me because i know for a fact- no one asks, ever, about anything i do or am interested in. i notice. dont worry you dont have to mention how empty these pages are of anyone interested i. letting me know they are here for me or here for my written work.  its been a lifetime of everyone i know denying me my joy and intelligence. ignoring everything about my true character or intentions. people ascribe me to be somekind of evil person and that isnt true and is the most hurtful of all the mean things they did. i worked hard on my character and my personality grew from that years by myself and self introspection. all the reading i did and self reflections, all of these things i learned no one ever cared to ask or even consider my attitudes or manners regarding intrapersonal relationships. im a terrible friend because i never had one that was truly there for me who had my back and was honest to me. i know this for a fact because i almost died many times while i was being ignored to my face and trash talked behind my back. everyone thought something else about me, everything that wasnt me, that isnt true, and not what i like, am like, or want.  everything is wrong and all i can do is sigh and wait until im back home or by myself. these years i havent been by myself at all. i remember what it was like when it was quiet in my mind. everyone keeping a secret from me and without realizing they were such bad actors everyone thought it was a great idea to isolate me. a conspiracy to murder me, to watch me wither and slowly die before their very eyes. their hungry eyes, hungry for violence against me. the hatred of me and my health problems, everyone had a way of showing me they thought i was not good, evil, bad attitude, i felt that everyone held me away but pretended we were close. everyone did that. fake friended me. i had serious complexes growing up. i thought i was mad as a child and wanted to be hospitalized because my thoughts of what they said and how they acted were totally opposite but of course i didnt know that at the time. bad acting because i didnt believe them deep down i side. i felt like everyone was lying and that they all hated me or didnt like me or looked down at me or thought i was gross but to my face all these people smiling at me pretending to like me. used me and my ideals and ideas of society of polite behavious. i was so sensitive and tactful because i didnt ever want others to feel like how they made me feel. i worked on being genuine because i fixed my intentions to my ideals and my actions to my understanding. other people dont so this, they dont believe that they are understood to be liars. they believe they are so much more clever and so much better than i could ever be or understand. im so glad i am away from that half of life i lived in misery and depression. my anxiety caused so many further problems dow t he road. its ok now because im older and dont care anymore but i still care about me. i still care about how others make me feel because they dont communicate properly. i care about knowing the people i love and i care about the people i want to know. unfortunately i feel also too broken to rise above my low moods. i want more i. life. i want to again be with people who are within a higher vibration, i higher plane of existence. i want so much to around intelligence and culture again but i have no way to bring it a out. people dont know me they talk shot about me because they spy on me stalk me or because i am above them. i dont know how to make myself any more humble im sick of lowering my standards for the person in front of me who is a manifestation of the person strangers ascribe me to. i have never been so humiliated in my life. i want quality and i want equality. i give and provide a very strong and good persona, i am a very good friend and do not suffer my friends easily. i want this for me. i want it so badly it depresses me that i never found it and watched it slip away as my health deteriorated. im better.now but the void remains.