rip rip rip goes the wool poncho

​I never been so humiliated than when I was an adult, let me tell you I went through a lot of shit as a child, but the deepest cuts were the ones where you were just standing there stoic absorbing the harsh treatment of your friends behaviour. I never been so ashamed of my presence except for those times when people are treating you so badly, and obviously to boot, and just being ok with it while you stare at them but theres no one home…for you. yeah those times when you fully understand that the person in front of you has not only got you totally wrong, but that you imposed your genuine desires and whimsy on someone who not only secretly detests you but also actively tears you down behind your back all the time, strengthening theirs packs rabid plastic smile and wave, isolating you to understand it for yourself that the strange feelings causing intense physical symptoms are real and your only friend in that scenario. 

ah yes tis true not until the coweths cometh hometh will i ever fall for that shit again. im just as fake as the next person ive tried all manner of friendships tactics breakdowns long exchanges and the like swaps and such but really theres nothing like pure understanding and knowing when you dont have any of it not even to meet you coming 3/4ths of the way haha nope. 

happened to me the whole time but worst of all was when i was homeless and sick and men started punching me randomly. not only do i wince at the memory of those random aggressive men i had to interact with by proximity but also how terribly vulnerable i am and how small. you know those women beater types, always awful. 

not really sure where this post is going thought id be venty i have been thinking about the gentleman on the bus from october too frequently and wonder where do i find men that look and act like that? i dont think ill ever run into him again or something tragic and its making my chest tighten up haha 

the other day i hung out with ryans brother kyle. had a bit of a cry about ryan on the bus because i so clearly remember his laughing face and how fuckin huge he was a massive man and so protective like a large teddy bear but hells angels like and provincial.  like almost rural. oh i miss ryan. he could hold his liquor aye he could. what a good friend i lost there. 

but now kyle is my friend and they do look similar but kyle is more handsome and younger and gayer because ryan has like so many kids hahaha i miss ryan so much what a fuckin nut that guy was beyond trippy he was a classic and a solid.