been super uncomfortable actually and have been unable to eat or drink water or think properly or focus because of everything thats happened with the landlords saying all kinds of stuff about me and i cant get any jobs all the jobs i try for dont reply and when i posted an ad on craigslist all i got were gross men replying so i reposted the ad and rewrote some of it but now craigslist is saying my housekeeping ad is not allowed and i just feel harassed again and i wonder why the fuck that website is still allowed to operate? then welfare didnt send me rent money and the landlords were going to send the sheriff on me like all those other times i got locked out of my stuff and lost my belongings because the police came in and decided i was the most evil woman and needed to be burned at the stake. i feel a lot of pressure to come up with the money these landlords are demanding and dont understand why welfare thinks im lying about my zero income? i have made 80 dollars from sweeping pigeon shit off a balcony two hours away, thats 4 hours travel time, and i havent gotten any jobs since and there are postal delays but i failed to send the zero income report sooner and now i feel a lot pressure again from the landlord stuff and the tenant board hearings i do not feel good whatsoever im being demonized for my housekeeping ads and made to feel like a liar when i havent done anything wrong and in fact feel taken advantage of and abused. wtf im really feeling targeted and dont know what to do about it i just want to make money and give it to these men so they wont harass me anymore.
im feeling really anxious cos this about same time last year i was getting murdered by my so called younger brother who literally jumped me from behind and grabbed onto my neck and strangled me and bashed my head against a concrete wall causing major bleeding and my head to split open,  then my so called father instead of calling an ambulance calls my uncle asking what to do? then decides to put me in a mental institution immediately after and they stuck needles in me and i had an i.v. for over a week 24 hours a day and they forced mood altering medication on me for 6 weeks straight and i barely escaped that after they sent me to thailand omfg
then the year before that same time, i was getting kicked out by a disgusting black man who lived in the living room of the place i was renting, lying about renting his room out as air bnb, that man kicked me out for no reason whatsoever on december 24. the year before that i was also kicked out for no reason and had my stuff in storage and spent christmas in ...mmm a hostel? i have this feeling this whole scam with these creepy fake manufactured seeming scenarios is another set up to make me homeless again this christmas. im not sure who or what is after but there is something and its happening again i can feel it im going to get slaughtered and the perpetrators are going to get away with it again, just like all the other times.
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. . . hours later
its 8:42 now and i wrote last 3:27. how do you not spazz and pretend nothing happened
its frustrating because thats what we were raised to do despite the really bad abuse we had to endure at home. everywhere else we had to pretend our parents were great and we were fine and awesome. makes me sick. to think my dad and younger bro tried to make me disappear. think about it. they tried to kill me and tried to make me disappear. what the fuck ? my mom just agreed and did nothing ? she wouldnt even let me crash at the house i grew up in. after all she did erase my room a few times while i was living there. they tried to kill me and tried to make me disappear. and they even stole my pants. i bought two pairs at winners and they stole a pair claiming that i already had everything. i cant even. its so traumatizing. i dont have money to buy pants. i dont have any clothes some guy stole all my winter coats and the clothes my aunt sent with the books and notebooks i asked them to send were old party dresses and costumes. they couldnt send it philippine post and sent it really expensive like 130 dollars plus 30 something taxes, to send my notebooks and a box of desk trinkets and old dresses i cant wear. and then i lost my fave sweater since i had since vancouver, my grey jacob sweater with large neckline, cos the i have to go to the public washing machine and forgot it cos i put it in to dry extra. and i cried cos i lost all my clothes already and coats and dont have anything else to wear excpt this smelly down coat i bought in april when i got back from that "trip to manila" the coat smelled like this womans perfume so strongly it was puke worthy and it wouldnt come off and its only fading now, after sprays of benzoin and alcohol, almost 9 months later. its that coat and some found items and patrice always finds stuff that he thinks will fit me and sometimes they do but he hasnt found a coat yet. i wanted my old coats to sew into new coats but every single one is gone and it grosses me out how awful the people were around me when i was having a hard time turned out i didnt have any friends and the ones that stuck around scared me in the end or took off with my stuff like the coats and the bon fire crew the one guy he stole a bunch of fabric i took aside for simons mom liz, he promised to mail it for me before i left for manila i gave this package of amazing choice quilt fabric but he stole it basically and took off i paid him paypal but he said he didnt have access to his bank account and it just sickened me how awful people treated me. so im really done with people and trying to be friends with people. isnt it awful :cries: i did find some left over coats and stuff i wanted to repattern. and patrice saved my old coat i had taken with me and i should cover with a different fabric. i just have this intense feeling something bad is going to happen to me again. thank god my father or any of my family arent here and they got nothing here they cant attack me and make me disappear. ffs. *looks over shoulder* whew.
i found some links on retraumatization but they are dense and for therapists so its a good resource for me to go through and identify to be more aware and able to navigate in the future.
 https://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:cLMSl1BWot0J:https://www.counseling.org/docs/disaster-and-trauma_sexual-abuse/everything-counselors-and-supervisors-need-to-know-about-treating-trauma_bicknell-hentges-lynch+&cd=8&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=ca&client=firefox-b-ab
https://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:g3tIcJ2soicJ:https://www.theannainstitute.org/Retraumatization%2520with%2520chart.ppt+&cd=12&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=ca&client=firefox-b-ab
https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/traumaptsdblog/2014/09/how-to-heal-ptsd-during-ongoing-trauma
https://www.socialworker.com/feature-articles/practice/preventing-retraumatization-a-macro-social-work-approach-to-trauma-informed-practices-policies/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5105333/ 
the lawyer got me really stressed out reminding me of all the bad places i lived by telling what is legal and what isnt and hearing tell me what isnt legal knowing i lived through these places and they were all doing something really illegal to me by threatening my home, for so many years all the landlords i went through were just harassing me and jepordizing my health and sanity by taking my money for rent and not giving me a home to live in.i moved over 12 times how can i make myself not think about this? i really wish i could drink a smoothie right now but there isnt a blender or any fruits
my blender is in manila. i lost all my stuff. and my clothes. argh