the update (rated r)

taking the blog offline was a bad idea
it was like an abandonded soap box in my minds larger field that was too far to get to.
and i put too many things up that needs updating.

heres a list of what i remember:
all the tap water soaps died in my mind, no antioxidants too. they are all kind of meh to me now. some of them are still really nice and i want to repeat the recipes. specially the beeswax one. it was the dreaded orange spot soap with benzoin and beeswax that traced too fast. it smels awful now, just ugh and pools of glycerine-y squishy spots that are slowly turning yellow. it smells like stale oil. great texture.
the cannabis scented soaps smell herbal to me. i smelled he oil blend ive remade since i first formulated the recipe and it smells like, i named it canna candy because of the lime. but now that i found cape may with its super high myrcene content it smells way more like cannabis and would like to figure out how to dilute it in perfume blends. so the soap is just ok to me. the texture os so great. the one i shaved off the tops, they are so nice texture and the glycerin you can see it throughout the bar im not that impressed with its smell so i dont know what to do about them.
the sunflower stearic acid soaps were great but would get gunky if left in any amount of water. they
all got stale (tap water soap) they are super hard but i didnt try them...oh maybe i guess i should now. they look pretty awful all yellowed now though, i just left them out like in the wilds of my room.
the wine soap (did i post it, its got too much ylang)
the shea butter soap, the one with a really nice batter, omg its so amazing! its the best one really. i use it as shampoo soap. i use it as hair soap.
but then i started getting allergic to the coconut oil soaps because i was showering all the time trying out the soaps. ive always had this allergy. so it kind of sucks and just makes me want to make sure my soaps are as least allergic as possible. i think its a salicylate sensitivity because i also noticed it when i started using (after a few weeks) my floral blend essential oil thing i made for deodorant but then i added hyssop and it ruined it so i just it made it for my hair with extra rosemary. but then i would use it as deodorant anyway. its probably way too strong. death by fleur. its also got violet leaf so i started noticing a rash. i did all kinds of tests on myself and i dont want to do them anymore so im just going to make mild stuff. its tricky with the oils i have to make sure the deodorant ones are not so fragrant only togive me a rash. i found this really cool euro girl blog on skin care. they have different regulations there and use co2 extracts more i guess. there was this runner girl who made her own deodorant.
oh yeah so i lost all my bookmarks. it sucked. my friend. i dont want to talk to him until he does any of the stuff i asked him to so i can forgive him. but he told me to go ahead and update and like a fool i did, i thought he was an i.t. guy so i took his word what terrible advice. i didnt want to update so that update broke my computer. it just could not handle it. poor thing it broke down, then i broke down. omg i broke down so hard because it cost $60 (he gave me a discount cos i begged) then i lost all the book marks i was reading. broke down cried sobbed yelled screamed he got mad and told me to leave i left and checked the computer it had nothing no photoshop no bookmarks went back crying and sobbing at the loss and he told me it was really unfortunate. i paid him he put photoshop back in, i left. oh yeah i gave him two soaps at some point. in the start.
but now my photoshop skills are improving and im remembering some things i used to do all the time on it instead of reading about stuff i can barely understand and memorize enough to remember. so yeah. these labels are so cool to me. i have other already made soap projects i would like to finish.
powdered soap. i made some by accident and its great. its just straight up powdered soap. i use it for my undies and cloth rags and when i run out of dish soap and for the stove. its pretty great. i somehow messed up on a recipe and it was too lye heavy and hard. so i like it as powder soap and to make into laundry soap but that needs borax and washing soda. tried it as laundry soap on this smelly really nice quilt a roommate left behind, and it seemed to have worked enough that it smells fine like i smelled it wrong in the first place. i just hope it wasnt a pee quilt. anyway i didnt have a thick blanked and i have a really nice one now i used the soap i made to wash it. so great.

and what about these coffee soaps. theyre useless to me, my hands never get that dirty. theyve inspired me though.

havent been eating to save money for rent and im really hungry. its holloween now, didnt go look for people dressed up though.
god im starving. i dont have anything to wear i lost all my coats to this guy i paid to help me out but it turned out i gave all my winter coats i have in canada since ive been here and my old massage table to some guy that just took off with them. so i have no coats. this one down coat i got at value village, the fur coat from storage, and my too old crappy fabric black light coat. ive been really unwell in this place. with the landlord trauma and the weird evictions piled on top of everything else was too much then i couldnt leave from anxiety for my hearing against the landlord so i was late and missed and now have to submit a review but meanwhile actually my life has been completely destroyed by this. why do men have so much gaul , total strangers, complete stranger men yelling at me, coming at me, ive even have police attack me, take my phone away toss it between them, joke about arresting me and letting me off only if i had a drink with them wink wink it was terrifying and im really traumatised so many random crazy men coming at me in my own home who are they? why am i not allowed to live in the place where i pay rent? who are these landlords? so its really traumatising specially since after coming back from manila where my brother literally tried to murder in a cement room by strangling me and bashing my head against a wall causing five stitches in the back of my head. my dad putting me in a psyche ward right after and leaving me there over the holidays was the most fucked up abusive psychopathic thing to do, and everybody went along with him and my brother who literally tried to murder me. fucked up. both of them grabbing at me, im bleeding, theyre screaming at me, in a cement room, omg. with a head injury putting me in the psyche ward in some hospital basement, because of the cannabis they put me on i.v. 24 / 7 for about 2 weeks i had a bandage on the back of my head it ripped my hairs out i had to walk around and shower in the most awful stall with an i.v. on a metal pole with wheels and always giving me medication threatening that id get tied up and forced medication if i didnt take them. this was over chirstmas and new year wow can you imagine that. how my abusive family shows me that theyre glad to have me back. im probably never going back there. they all took sean and my dads side and just didnt know what to do with me and i had no money my dad gave me money and he took it from my wallet, he went through all my paperwork, bank information, he went through every single thing i had while i was in the psyche ward he told everyone all kinds of lies about me turns out my cousins here in toronto too the women sisters who treated so very badly also told the whole family insane stories they made up off the rumour mill, they had been telling them the whole time i was not even talking to them after what they did to me, oh god. it was so fucked up. then after the psyche ward i was sent with my psycho aunt to thailand to the luxury rehab that cost thousands of dollars then my dad blamed me for spending all his money and that he wasnt getting surgery cos he wanted to lock me up "for my own good". barely got out of there alive to my uncles house  in manila and he bailed and didnt show up at the airport either. because my entire family even the brother i havent talked to in decades calls his entire family to tell them not to pick me up at the airport. it was sooooo fucked up i was so dead. they helped out anyway and my other aunt and my good buddy gerard too. glad to have made it out of there alive. im going to blame facebook and my cousins for the deterioration of my life. they literally made it a crusade. even my aunt bela had a hard time getting away from my cousins to see me, they literally almost didnt give her my number. people are so fucked up. i should probably go back and delete their existence on my blog but its too much effort and i never read that far anyway. the whole time im moving 12 times in 3 years, getting harassed by countless landlords and weirdos and cops, my cousins are ruining my reputation in manila and rumour mongering on facebook, and my lack of facebooking cos it was so creepy it was like my account was hacked and replaced i even caught a fake account pretending to be my cousin, and at one point my pictures....they were not me but could have been.....i didnt go back for years and my family abandoned me because i didnt suck up to them and use facebook. i dont have a phone large enough for viber since none of them use whatsapp. so its like i have no fam and who the heck wants a family like mine. i could not believe my brother tried to kill me. they just cannot communicate. they rage and do scary things like lock up their only daughter after a ten year absence due to financial hardship and further financially abuse her and withold her belongings, oh yeah i lost all my stuff. oh man are you kidding me these people, my parents, actually wanted to send me back to canada from thailand after they took all my stuff, they wanted to send me back to canada in feb, with no winter clothes. with clothes for a thai rehab as dedicated by the expensive brochure. these people  are the most fucked up people in the world to me. so im done with manila and facebook (lol) (very scary place) (identity theft, scams, campaigns, fake news, outdated info etc) and i dont have an immediate family. my aunt and uncle are great and theyre fam made it. but im just really uncomfortable. didnt see anyone either. my cousins ruined my reputation because they wanted the life in manila i presented to them on facebook. how can i forget my cousin with her scewed eyeliner thick red lipstick screaming at my face "get the fuck out of here nicole, carlos celdaran is our friend now" you would not believe how fucked up those women treated me and i left that scene and the whole time they were so burned by their hatred of me (during/after alvaro got deported) that they could not stop their obsessive rumor mongering and personal attacks to mask their insecurities and they infiltrated my friend group like every typical shady thing so many other people have done to me in the past, and ruined me to them and just took over it seemed like their lives were full now that they had effectively lured me to live in toronto so they could literally bash me only to go back to manila and ruin my reputation there. can you believe these wome? it was a really big deal with all the aunties back in manila when we all talked about it. i couldnt even deal with it i was so fucking dead. i went there to heal from the landlord and housing traumas here and got there to that, and then came back to this.

this update sucks. its a decent into hell ffs. i havent been going outside. been really depressed, hungry, cant manage to spend the money to buy and make food. theres a room upstairs thats been empty for months and ive lost all my will because if i could i would move up there but ive already moved rooms in here which means cleaned and cleaned cleaned, plus the shared spaces too omg the layers of grease on the stove tops, the ranges, the walls, the backsplash, its gone now cos i literally cleaned it it was difficult and gross. then for what, only to get disrespected for it.

been working on trying to think of my self. its very difficult. most of the time my thoughts are emotional memories of being wronged by people in the most horrific ways that no one i know can relate to.  so ive been trying to get it together to make these labels. oh yeah i started a go fund me but i dont think ill ever get a donation. how do you get donations for a go fund me. i read about people scamming people saying they had sicknesses and stuff like cancer.
i want to make some perfume tonight too.

so many things i would rather be doing than getting choked by the constant memory of terrible things people have done to me.

also wanted to make some soap. and a new hair conditioner. and a new body lotion.